Maybe the Internet is Right...
Maybe I'm not so weird after all.
I recently learned, following a little online rabbit hole, about Harm OCD. Not sure if anyone else has this, but I have these horrible, intrusive thoughts about my amazing dog Emi. I'll be petting her or playing hands/tug of war or something of the sort, and something violent and upsetting will just pop into my head. Sometimes it even happens when she's just sleeping in my lap. I'll have sudden thoughts about punching or choking her, throwing her by the neck. One time, as we were lying in bed, I suddenly found myself thinking about how she would struggle if I held her underwater and what kind of noises she would make. My stomach knotted, I felt myself grow nauseous. I hated my brain and hated myself for having these thoughts. They terrified me. What if I suddenly did that? What if I suddenly decided to hurt her? Can I even be trusted with her?
These thoughts have thankfully been intermittent and not particularly common, but they are always unpleasant when they hit. My big concern was that something fundamentally good within me had broken. I've long since had trouble forming meaningful attachments with other people, and even becoming attached to little Emi took no small amount of effort.
Maybe I truly am broken?
After saying fuck it and looking up these intrusive thoughts online, I was pleased to find that they are the early/first stages in Harm OCD. Not to get too into it, but the basic gist is that fear of either harming or having harm come to someone we love, be it person or pet, can cause an increase in anxiety such that one begins to develop OCD traits to prevent this harm. Thankfully, I have not developed any of these OCD traits/tics, but I do still have these thoughts on occasion. I'm not big into self-diagnosing, but finding this out, and knowing that I am diagnosed with anxiety, brought me some relief. While I'm far from perfect, I'm glad to know that my ability to attach and love and cherish someone other than myself isn't truly broken.
Dicks for listening!