Guess what?

Busted nut!

What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean, a number of things, and one of those is that I remember pornos like I remember other movies. Like, a while back, I found these bizarre videos from Japan, where guys would sneak up behind crouching or seated women and just nut in their hair before running off.

Alright, glad I got that off my chest.

Anyways…

I’m never really sure if my epiphanies are worthwhile or just bullshit. I’m not even sure if they’re really even epiphanies. I am thankful for them though, that much I know.

I was in my kitchen yesterday, trying to fight some thoughts per usual, when ye olde Ex popped into my mind. I’m not entirely sure what washing dishes, watching ‘What Happened’ on Youtube, and baby-talking Emi did to turn my mind down that delightful path, but there I was, thinking about that whole shitshow, when a trauma origin hit me.

While my low self-esteem has always been my biggest enemy, one particularly aggravating voice regularly wants me to believe that no one would actively want to date me, they would just settle for me. I realize that that was how I felt the entire time I was with this ex. While I thought I was incredibly lucky to have her, she was always just settling for me.

Now, that’s on me. Were I to have had a higher self-esteem, better sense of self-worth, etc., I wouldn’t have had that feeling, and if I did, I would have been strong enough to push it aside. That said, she didn’t exactly do much to help my anxiety. And that said, no, easing my anxiety is not her job, and no, I didn’t ever try to bring this up and communicate it. All the same, that idea, that I was just someone to be settled started here, and since I deeply believed it, I saw it, and continue to see it.

Fun shit.

Like I said, not sure if this is bullshit or not, but I’m thankful for it all the same.

Dick’s for listening!