Struggle bussin'

Will I ever truly be impressive?

Anywho...

I'm genuinely struggling with Un Chien at the moment. Some of it is working with nibs. To be fair, it didn't seem that difficult at the start. The initial pages even felt like they were progressing relatively smoothly. Now it feels like a fight every time I go to put ink to paper. Sometimes the ink flows, sometimes it doesn't. When it does flow, it's not always flowing well. It feels like these pages are taking so much longer than they should and the results don't look like their worth the effort.

Admittedly, this is a lot of bellyaching, a side-effect I suppose of doing my best to create for the sake of the creation. It's difficult to move forward whilst trying to remove the hope for success, enough so that it does make me wonder why I'm bothering? What's the aim?

Am I trying to shield myself from disappointment? Am I trying to avoid the commitment? Am I just delusional and trading one delusion for another?

Yes does seem to be the answer to all of these questions. While I can certainly stick to the promise of a dream, the execution is another story. The follow-through, it would seem, consistently eludes me.

But does it do so because I actively avoid pursuit?

And so another spiral goes and putters out. They always start out so promising too, like I'm right on the verge of something great. Something great, locked away deep inside of me. I spiral and find myself outside of its cell, comically large ring of keys in my hands. I fumble through them and try, desperately to find the one that fits only for reality to find me and put a stop to it.

Reality in this case is a hungry dog licking my leg, looking up at me and wanting some food and attention. Not the worse way to come back down.

Or back up.

Whatever.

Dicks for listening!