Been getting into gloryholes...

The porn category, not the real thing. To be honest, I'm not even sure I could participate in one--giving or receiving. As with most social activities and anything requiring physical contact, I'm feeling the anxiety starting in already. The fantasy of the gloryhole though, that's definitely been peaking my interest. Given my anxiety, along with poor self-image issues, the glory hole could give me the opportunity to enjoy sexual content without having to "be" a part of it. I wouldn't have to come to grips with the usual questions of why is she doing this, do I actually matter, do I deserve to feel good, etc. The literal wall could take the place of the psychological ones.

Any who...

Found myself starting to argue again on social media. There's a feeling to it to be sure, though exactly what that feeling is I'm not entirely sure. It can be exciting, entertaining. I can feel seen and it feels like an opportunity to stand up for myself or others. Am I actually doing this? Not really. No matter what lies I might tell myself, I'm well aware that all I'm really doing is some mutual masturbation with strangers on the internet. I gotta stop though.

It isn't a moral thing or a defeated thing. The rewards aren't worth it. What are the rewards? Outside of those feelings, nothing. More importantly, spending my time doing that is spending time not creating art, playing with Emi, or just being present. It also just isn't how I want to spend my time.

So I deleted threads, again. I kept Bluesky and have been very careful to keep it as art based as possible. Here's hoping I do a better job pursuing the long term goals rather than these fleeting, bullshit social media tussles.

Dicks for listening!